This will be my last blog post on this particular blog, once again, if you want to know where the new one is, just let me know and I will let you know where it is.

Since I have been reflecting on my last post and the comments that sprang up, and because after all, it is thanksgiving, I thought it was necessary to have this post be about the positive things I experienced while I was involved with GCM. When I first left GCM I didn’t think it was possible that there was anything good that came from my experiences. But I think that was just because for the first time in a quite a while I was giving my mind and heart freedom to vent about things that I had stuffed down. I think deep down I felt victimized. But I should also add, that I was a willing victim. This has been something that has been hard for me to admit. I really just want to blame other people for all my baggage and issues. But really, I put myself in those situations. I could have decided to leave at any time, but I chose to stay. I still think there are unhealthy conditions, but if I’m honest with myself, I chose to stay in those conditions. So, really, if I’m going to point my finger at someone or some entity, I might as well start with myself, because a lot of of the pain I experienced was in some way self-inflicted. This really has to do more with my last post, but I thought it was an important clarification that I needed to make. Ok, on to the good stuff…

Paul in Romans tells us that “all things work together for the good of those that love Him…”. And so I found myself feeling convicted because from that passage its clear that nothing in life can be all bad. God will use any situation and bring some good out of it, so surely there were some good things about GCM and so I began to ponder that and at least try and come up with a few. So here goes!

Ok, the first thing that comes to my mind when I think about the positive experiences I had with GCM are the people I met. I seriously have met so many people who genuinely love God and others. I don’t know if I’ve ever consistently seen so many people who are ready and willing to sacrifice their time, energy and resources for those around them. Nate voluntarily gave me a significant financial gift to me when I was in desperate need of financial help. Tony and Kirsten let me stay with them for a semester even though they knew that I was coming out of a pretty hectic time spiritually and did not have totally steady income. Even beyond those experiences that directly affected me, seeing the generosity of others in the Rock was really inspiring. I worked with Dan Cox for awhile, Dan’s servant heart and his generosity amaze me. Unfortunately, I think those types of sacrificial hearts are rare today, but I found it in abundance in Ames.

I think there are a lot of things that GCM champions that are good things. One of those is loyalty. I do think its true that in our fast-moving modern world, the Church has become affected by a lack of commitment from its members. It was cool to see a church who was trying to build strong families and communities. I think there is a balance to everything in the spiritual life. And I think that most of the time when I disagreed with GCM, it wasn’t over what they were doing (generally) but about how they were going about it. But I honestly really did appreciate the emphasis GCM put on having strong families and communities. It was refreshing.

I also really liked GCM’s approach to picking pastors and other church leaders. The idea of picking someone from within the church that the congregation knows makes so much sense! Once again, I think this is a balance issue as well, because all though I think it is good to train pastors up from within, I also think seminary training can be a good thing and can be really helpful in giving church leaders a strong foundation. But nonetheless, I think GCM got it right in this area.

I don’t think you could ever accuse GCM of being idle. I think thats one of the things that attracted me to GCM in the first place. It just seemed like there was such a strong push to be putting your faith to good use. I think that is really evident in the strong desire to be sending off church plants. I’ve been a part of churches in the past where the extent of missions work was when our church had a week long missions conference. But GCM really wanted to be on the front lines! And thats where I think the church should be. There were some things I disagreed with in how they went about planting churches, but as far as their desire to plant churches and to spread the gospel, I think they are right on the money.

So, to wrap this up, Yah, its clear to me that GCM is just not a good fit for me. I need a place where I feel free to be who Christ has made me to be. But my experience wasn’t all bad. And I know it has grown me up in ways that other churches wouldn’t have. I’ve met some amazing people that I hope to remain friends with. I hope that if your a part of GCM or if you aren’t, you experience the fullness of God’s love and mercy.

goodbye friends

Hey All,

I probably should have done this before my last post, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this…Im switching to a new blog address. So if you want to know where to find my new blog address leave me a comment. If by some strange chance you enjoy reading my blog and I don’t really know who you are, you can email me at tj.lyttle@gmail.com so I can email you the new address. Thanks!

-TJ

So I before I begin this post allow me to make a few important disclaimers:

1) For those of you who were unaware I have stopped attending Stonebrooke/The Rock.
2) This blog entry and subsequent blog entries may contain my reflections on why I left GCM, and its possible some might find some or all of those thoughts offensive. I realize my blog is still listed on the Rock’s website, and its not my intent to offend people. However, blogging is a really good outlet for me, and I asked about a month ago to be taken off the Rock’s rss feed.

Ok, on to the blogging…

Its been about two months since I decided to leave GCM. I feel like one of those stress relievers. You know the ones that you squeeze and once you let go they slowly return to their normal shape? I feel like I’m starting to return to my normal shape. I’ve thought long and hard about the last three years: the good, the bad, and the impact of both of those on my life. In some ways I feel like I wasted three years. In other ways Im thankful for the lessons I’ve learned, even if they were really painful trials to go through.

A friend of mine told me recently that there are two types of Churches. One kind of church tries to force people into their mold of what they think a Christian should be like. The other type of church comes along side people and helps them realize how to reach their fullest potential in Christ. I feel like I was part of a social control movement. Looking back I can see how I gave up on a lot of my hopes and dreams, and even parts of my personality/character so I could fit in and be accepted by my community. While I’m sure that a lot of my immaturity was worked out of my system, I’m also sure that I threw away pieces of me that God gave me just to be in compliance. While its true that Christ bids us to come and pick up our cross and die to ourselves, I don’t think he wants us to be mindless servants with no personality or joy, and unfortunately, for me, I think thats what my time in GCM led me to become. Since the time I have left GCM I found myself regaining what I lost. Some of my old hopes and dreams, and some new ones too. Its been so refreshing to truly believe that anything is possible and God could actually use me to do great things! It fills me with such hope and excitement, some days I have a hard time containing it! Joy is such an essential part of a healthy Christian life, and I’m glad to see it return.

Looking back I think the number one motivator for me while I was in GCM was fear. I was afraid of my community being embarrassed or ashamed of me. I was afraid of being rebuked. I was afraid that no one respected me, liked me, or really wanted to be around me. This fear paralyzed me, and I think that when we react based on our fear we are a lot more likely to sin, and this is backed up by my experience. I found myself trying to adhere to all these strict systems of conduct. I failed miserably, over and over again. I think one of the biggest examples of this is the whole courting system that GCM embraces wholeheartedly. It seemed like the courting thing was pushed so hard to try and keep people from making mistakes in relationships with the opposite gender. But it seems to me that its not the method you use to find a spouse, but the person who is doing the searching. I think responsible, mature people will be responsible and mature if they are dating or courting. Immature people will be immature even if they are courting. I think the biggest problem I had with courting is that it encourages fantasies. Because inside the system of courting its inappropriate to really get to know the person of the opposite gender that you are attracted to, you just imagine what they are like. At least this is what I did. I really just wanted to spend time with that person and get to know them, but that wasn’t an option. And in the three years that I was attracted to them I was convinced that it was God’s will for us to be together, and looking back I see that I deceived myself. I wanted it so bad, I just lied to myself and after a while, I thought it was the truth. I understand there is a good principle with the whole waiting aspect. But waiting years for a relationship adds way more tension to community life than is necessary. About a month after I left the Rock and had finally decided to give up on the attraction that I had, I met this amazing girl at a party my sister had at her new apartment. I was really attracted to her, and she was really attracted to me. We were honest with each other about our feelings and now we are dating. Were getting to know each other, and having a lot of fun doing it. I didn’t go through screeners or ask 5 of my leader’s permission. I prayed about it and asked her. It was so…easy. And it seems pretty clear to me that it is God bringing us together. It all reminds me of this passage in Colossians 2:

20Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21″Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

I think this really sums up my experience. I was trying to follow all these rules and please all these people, but it resulted in me sinning…a lot. Granted, that sin was deep inside of me and needed to be exposed. But my point is that things like courting have no value in restraining sin, they are just man made systems, which may work for some. But what works for everyone is grace, which God gives freely.

And thats why I’m remembering how to smile. I’m remembering how to accept grace. I’m not worried about being a perfect leader, or trying to impress the girl I’m attracted to. I’m not afraid. I feel such freedom to be who I really am and to let God change my heart. I truly feel like God could actually use me, and whats more, that He wants to use me. Im not telling God what He can and can’t do with my life based on my narrow agendas, I’m simply asking Him what He wants me to do, realizing that it could be anything. And its filling me with such a peace and freedom that I haven’t felt in such a long time.

The last several months have brought on a lot of changes into my life, and to be honest, they are all changes I never thought I would even consider, but here I am, and I have considered them. What I’m about to say may come as a shock to some, or may be expected by some. This is just my attempt at being honest and explaining whats going on and why its going on.

I believe that God is leading me to step back from my involvement with the Rock and Stonebrooke. This is hard for me to say, because for the last 3 years I never really thought that was an option. I just always assumed I would always be connected with GCM. I poured myself into my ministry team (Linden) and was really banking on the idea I would spend my life with the people on the team, at least to some extent. I really planned my life around the team and the people on my team.

However, none of my plans were really centered around God or were directed by God leading me. I made the plans I had made in large part because I felt those were the plans I was supposed to make. I feared rebuke and social disapproval should I make other plans. Loyalty is a really big deal in GCM, so I just chose to pour everything into Linden, looking back, it didn’t seem like there was another plausible choice. There were a lot of choices like this that I made. The ministry team, courtship/waiting, deciding what opportunities I would take based on their location, etc. Hear me out, I am not trying to bash GCM. I made my own choices, GCM did not force me to make the choices I did. And while I think a lot of the advice I followed while being a part of GCM is good advice, its not necessarily God’s advice. I think I have been guilty of following seemingly good advice, but not God’s advice. Its become apparent to me that GCM is just not a good fit for me. I have a lot of gifts, talents and desires, but most of them are not very compatible with GCM. I think this explains why I have felt so much friction and tension while being a part of the Rock. And so I think its best to step back and learn how to listen to God’s voice and God’s voice alone.

Although my time in GCM has been difficult and at times painful, I’ve met some people that I care about deeply. I really have come to love so many of you. I just feel that God has a different place and perhaps a different role for me to be in. I believe GCM is full of people who genuinely love God and want to serve Him with all they have. I just want people to know my decision is not based on bitterness, or relational issues. Its strictly based on how and where God is leading me. And it seems that for a time, God has led me to ames and to the Rock, and within the next year or two, He will probably lead me away from Ames.

So allow me to reiterate that I really do love the Rock, and its because I really do care about you guys that has made this decision a hard one to make. Just because I will be stepping back does not mean I don’t care about the Rock, or that I’m not serious about following God or anything like that. I’ll still be around the ames area for at least another year. I’m still planning on taking another trip out to the Rosebud reservation this thanksgiving. It just means my involvement with the Rock will be a lot more casual.

As for whats next, I’m currently trying to find a new job in the Des Moines area. I’ve applied to Wells Fargo and will continue to apply to some other places. I’d like to move to the des moines area probably at the end of the next summer at the latest. Most of all I’m just trying to hear what God wants from me. I really want to know what God wants me to do with my life. I just want to be satisfied in God and God alone. And as we all know, to really pursue such a desire requires great sacrifice. I’m saddened to find myself leaving, but I am filled with hope because as I step out into the unknown I am finding the peace of God. I pray you all are experiencing that same peace.

-TJ

I’ve been listening to a Rich Mullins song lately. It just hits me so incredibly hard each time I hear it. I think thats mostly cuz I feel like the words that Rich wrote and sang in this song perfectly describe the journey of my life, especially in these last few years I have been in Ames. I’ll post the lyrics and then elaborate on what they mean to me.

“Growing Young”

 

I’ve gone so far from my home
I’ve seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
‘Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding,
Bleeding and falling apart

 

And everybody used to tell me big boys don’t cry
Well I’ve been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young

 

I’ve seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I’ll tell you, it ain’t worth what it costs
And I remember my father’s house
What I wouldn’t give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much

 

And everybody used to tell me big boys don’t cry
Well I’ve been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms

 

And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child

 

‘Cause I’ve been broken now, I’ve been saved
I’ve learned to cry, and I’ve learned how to pray
And I’m learning, I’m learning even I can be changed
And everybody used to tell me big boys don’t cry
Well I’ve been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young
Growing young

 

-by Rich Mullins

What can I say? I just really identify with this song. I feel like I have traveled so far from my home, from God. There are a lot of secrets I wish I had never known. I have been wondering if Jesus could have retold the story of the prodigal son to have the prodigal son demand the father’s inheritance and leave for the far-off country so that he could be a better Christian. I feel like thats my story of the last few years. At some point I decided to leave God’s side to strike out on my own to be a better Christian. Or maybe it’s that I had never really found “home” in the arms of God.

I look back at the last three years and I feel a sense of sadness about what I’ve lost. I used to have such passion for God. Lately, I haven’t had much passion. I used to have hope and dreams, some of which were inspired by God. But at some point I think I learned it was prideful and selfish to have my own hopes and dreams, that or it was just too painful when those hopes and dreams got crushed. Sometimes I think its appropriate to look back and mourn the loss of Godly dreams and innocence. I think right now, for me, is a time of mourning in a sense. Im just realizing that there are certain hopes and relationships and my life that may never be resurrected. Its painful to realize that you put your hope in something else besides God, and that it got you nowhere. Its painful to realize that you loved and cared about people, but you’ll never get that back.

But at the same time, I think its also important to look to the future and to have hope. The story of the prodigal son wouldn’t have been a good one if the prodigal son had just mourned his losses and never decided to return home. I love the line in the song where Rich says,

“And I remember my father’s house
What I wouldn’t give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much”

I think this is the place I’ve finally come to. The realization that there is NOTHING that will give me joy besides God. Today I was praying and I just asked myself this question: “What truly would make me happy?” I went through my standard set of responses, all of which the world would say are things that give us happiness. Wealth, marriage, sex, friendships, etc. As I sat there trying to convince myself those things would make me happy, I felt a hollowness inside of me. It finally hit me that none of that stuff will ever give me joy. Only God can make my life meaningful and joyful. I would be better off being single for the rest of my life and having God than to be married to the most beautiful, gracious woman and not have God.

I’m growing young. Its clear to me that the older I get the more I need to act like a kid. A kid who is completely mesmerized by their Dad, and wants to be just like Him. I’ve decided this is the only thing thats actually worthy of my time and energy.

 

Ok, so for those of who you who live under a rock or just don’t know about whats been going on down at the statehouse this last week, a Polk county judge ruled that Polk county’s ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional and removed the ban. You can read up on this at the Des Moines Register’s article found here.

This topic really reminded me of a while ago when I did a series of blog posts on hot-button topics such as abortion, the war in Iraq and gay marriage. For compare and contrast purposes, you can revisit my previous blog on gay marriage here. I think I still maintain some of the sentiments I expressed in the earlier blog, but I also think I have adopted some different ways of looking at the issue. I’ll present my ideas, and hopefully it will spark some good conversation.

Ok, in my original blog about same-sex marriage I argued that the Church should be a support the gay-rights movement. I said this firstly to be controversial (whoopsadaisy) and secondly because I think the Church needs to do something to show the homosexual community that we don’t hate them and think of them as inferior to ourselves. But I really have to be honest. When I heard the news over the radio that a judge had lifted the ban on same-sex marriage, my stomach turned. There was something about it that was just depressing to me. I think as much as I want to be culturally relevant and want people to like the church and God, there are just some things that are irreconcilable to the Gospel. I think the reason I got knots in my stomach when I heard the news is that homosexuality is sin. There I said it. There really isn’t any way around it. I think I, and perhaps large sectors of the American Church have a problem with calling a spade a spade. We try and rationalize everything away, and in doing so, we just coexist with sin. And maybe thats why in many cases churches have been rendered so useless.

Heres what I think. I think marriage is a sacred thing and as such, should be under the control of the Church. I don’t think the government should define and control what marriage is and isn’t. That goes for heterosexual marriage and homosexual marriage. It shouldn’t give special privileges for marriage, no matter what type of sexual orientation the couples have. People have long bashed the church and screamed bloody murder because there has to be “separation of Church and State!”. Ok, firstly, they are taking that phrase completely out of context. Our founding fathers wrote that phrase because they had experiences where the church and state where the same governing body, and bad things happened, like mass executions because someone disagreed with the church and therefore the government. But nonetheless, people today use the phrase to suggest that Christianity or its practitioners should not be allowed to play a role in politics. Well if there must be such a strict separation of Church and State, shouldn’t there also be a separation of the homosexual agenda and the state? Shouldn’t there be a separation of of secular humanism and the state? Apparently the only other thing being proactively separated from the state besides Christianity is common sense.

As Christians we need to realize this one very important fact before we take to the streets to reverse the ruling on same-sex marriages. We in many ways created the monster that is the gay-rights movement. If we hadn’t completely shunned the homosexual community, they wouldn’t have felt as if they had no rights. There wouldn’t have been struggle and they wouldn’t feel the need to retaliate against the church. There has been some legislation attempts floating around that would make it a “hate crime” to say that homosexuality is a sin. Now I’d like to think there are enough sensible people in politics to see that this legislation is ridiculous, but I’m not going to bet the farm on it. I think Christians tend to make two faulty assumptions regarding the Church and politics. One is that we just need to completely abstain from politics, the other is that our nations political system is the only way to make positive change. Laws can’t change peoples hearts. But changing people’s hearts can change laws. We as followers of Christ should be active politically to champion justice. But we also should be out loving people with all we have, because when we do that Christ truly will be made complete among us.

I’ve always believed that the more I love God the more I will want to spend time with Him and serve Him and those around me. I’m not so convinced anymore. After 15 years of following Christ, I don’t really jump at the chance to read the Bible, pray, or serve. I’ve just been waiting for this experience where I really want to do what God wants me to. But my only experiences have shown me that I really only want to do what I feel like doing. Last night I came across this verse in the Message:

13The Pharisees objected, “All we have is your word on this. We need more than this to go on.” 14-18Jesus replied, “You’re right that you only have my word. But you can depend on it being true. I know where I’ve come from and where I go next. You don’t know where I’m from or where I’m headed. You decide according to what you can see and touch. I don’t make judgments like that. But even if I did, my judgment would be true because I wouldn’t make it out of the narrowness of my experience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. That fulfills the conditions set down in God’s Law: that you can count on the testimony of two witnesses. And that is what you have: You have my word and you have the word of the Father who sent me.”

John 8:14-18 (MSG)

This really blew me away. Jesus basically says I don’t make judgements like you guys do, and EVEN if did, I wouldn’t base those judgements on my experience, but on the character of God.” I think that if Im waiting for some experience to totally validate and motivate me to serve God and others, its not going to happen. But if I understand the character of God and base my actions on that, serving and loving God and others is the obvious choice. Maybe thats why the Bible is so important! Without it we would have no clue about God’s character and the validity of God’s testimony.

I’m not belittling the role of experience in the Christian life. I am post-modern after all. But maybe its not the most important thing. After all, where does faith come into play? It’d be like if instead of Peter trying to walk on the water like Jesus did, He just waited for the water to freeze over. That’s not faith, its cowardice. Faith shouldn’t be a by-product of experience, experience should be a by-product of faith. I think Jesus is calling me to leave the narrowness of my experience, and join Him in the liberation and freedom of trusting God. After 15 years, its probably about time.

 

 

 

(if you haven’t read my last post, it might make this post make more sense)

Ok, last night I got invited to go see the movie “Meet the Robinson’s” at the dollar theater. I normally am not a huge fan of animated/disney movies, but I was craving some social interaction so I decided to go for it. On the way to the theater I was just begging God to change my life somehow. Lately I’ve just been miserable because its been blatantly obvious to me how selfish and prideful I have been, but I haven’t been able to find a way out of it.I never thought God would use a disney movie, but, well, He did.

Meet the Robinsons is an animated movie about a young boy who is really intelligient but an orphan. In the beginning of the movie he keeps having these interviews with potential parents with no success. Naturally, after several failed interviews he decides he is done with interviews. So throughout the movie you see this young boy’s quest to be part of a real family. Well I don’t want to ruin the movie for those that haven’t seen it, so I’ll stop with the movie there. But as I was watching this animated movie, something really struck me: I need a family! For several reasons for the last few months I have felt like I really don’t have a family. I think like “Lewis” from the movie I just had my fill of active or passive rejection. At some point I just decided that I really didn’t have a need for family. I just wanted to be strong enough that I didn’t have needs that I couldn’t fulfill. My need for family was just one example of many needs that I tried to ignore and think that I could do without.The movie opened my eyes to the fact that I was so tired of being rejected and inadequate that I put on this “false self”. My false self didn’t need anyone on my ministry team, it didn’t need to go to church, it didn’t need time with God. If I don’t have needs that I can’t meet, why would I need God? This explains why being a Christian wasn’t making sense to me. But the truth is that I really do have needs that I can’t meet on my own. When I was living with this “false self” my life was miserable. My false self was trying to do everything it could to find satisfaction, but it was finding none.I think God used the movie to remind me that I do have real needs that I can’t meet. I have needs that only God can meet.

On the way home I was having a conversation with God. One thing that has really bothered me lately is that it seems I only love God because of what He does for me. God also reminded me that He doesn’t expect me to love perfectly, just with all that I have. He is calling me to love Him with everything I have, and thats ok thats its nowhere near the amount of love that God has for me, thats why God has grace for me, for everyone. It was a reminder that its ok to love God because of what He does for us. Its not necessarily selfish (although it can be), but really, spending time with God because He meets our needs is wise. Its way better than spending time in other places to try and have our needs met by something or someone other than God.

Truly:

“10 Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”-Psalm 84:10 (NIV)

My spiritual life as of late has been mostly confusing, thats probably why I’ve been trying to avoid it. Near the end of the spring semester it had become really apparent to me that I had some serious pride issues in my life. So I prayed and asked God to give me humility. This, is of course, the prayer that God never delays in answering. So the last few months I feel like God has totally opened my eyes to at least a good chunk of the pride that is in my life.

Im disgusted with myself. Really, really disgusted.

Pride is so tricky. I used to think that pride wasn’t one of my biggest struggles, I mean, I’ve struggled with viewing myself in a negative way, how could I be prideful. I suppose pride is everyone’s biggest struggle. Maybe I just wanted to pretend that I wasn’t prideful, whatever the case, it turns out I’m a fake.

I’m a dreamer. For most of my life I’ve had these dreams that I want to see become a reality. I’ve always wanted to get married and have a family. I want to plant a church on the reservation. I want to have a good job and make money. The problem is that I have been worshipping my dreams for most of my life. God has really been secondary to my dreams. In fact, God has been more like a magical charm that is supposed to help make my dreams come true. Everything that I do, well, I do it for me. When I serve, I serve so that I can feel good. Who knows, maybe someone will encourage me? When I love, I love to get loved in return. So, I guess Im not really a Christian because I love God, Im a Christian because I love me.

And this is why nothing makes sense to me anymore. There are lots of different lifestyles in America that are lived to fulfill the desires of the individual, Christianity just isn’t one of them. All throughout the Bible you have a God who is beckoning a people to worship Him above everything else. You have Jesus who is telling people that they can’t follow Him unless they hate everything else but Him. For all of my Christian life, I have been trying to use Christianity/God for my own gain. Like Paul says in Galatians, “God is not mocked, a man reaps what he sows”. For years I have had this foundation of pride and self-seeking tendencies. So I’ve been trying to cram God and His word into my idea of what the Christian life should be like. It isn’t working. At all.

Quite frankly, I’m tired of always being worried about myself. I wish I could live this life of total self-sacrifice that the bible seems to not only advocate, but demand. But I have no idea what that looks like. I have spent the last 20 years looking out for number 1. What does it feel like to totally empty yourself for God and those around you? Is there any joy in it?

Im aware that for a guy who has spent his whole life in church, these are really stupid questions. But Im just being honest with myself here. Living for myself is killing me. Maybe thats why Jesus gave us a better alternative: Killing ourselves so we could live for Him. I just wish I knew how.

In John 21, Jesus asks Peter a very straight-forward yet simple question. That question is: “Do you love Me”? I think that so often we hear that Jesus loves us that we rarely ask ourselves, “Yah, but do I love God??” And even if we do ask ourselves that question, or if someone else were to ask us that question, we immediately respond with an emphatic “Yes! Of course!”. I mean, how could you consider yourself a Christian and not love God?! Lately I have been asking myself that question, and I have been allowing myself to think beyond the sunday school answers I have grown up with. And the terrifying thing to me is that I don’t really think I love God all that much. And I wonder how many of us who have grown up in Church are mistaking “loving God” for something else, that is in fact, not really love.

Growing up I never really had a close relationship with my dad till I left for college and came back. My Dad is an excellent provider, always has been. I always had everything I needed and often times just things that I wanted. I think that I have related to God is simply a provider for most of my life. So as long as God is providing for me (that is, according to what I think provision should look like in my life) than I “love” God. I sing songs, I pray, I read my bible. But as soon as it seems to me that God isn’t really providing for me, then I throw a spiritual fit. I stop praying, I stop reading the Bible and I stop singing. Ive come upon that harsh reality that this is not loving God, its capitalism. Capitalism in the purest sense rewards those who work hard. I do therefore I receive. So really what this boils down to is that I think God owes me for my hard work. Ive waited 5 years for a woman to marry. I think that due to that fact, I deserve to have a wife. This is horribly wrong because God does not work in a capitalistic sort of way. The Bible is really quite clear that God is our Father. Anything I have in my life is the direct result of God giving me good gifts. You can’t earn gifts, you just have to wait patiently for them and receive them with eagerness.

I’ve been told that loving and serving God is the best thing for my life. So essentially for most of my Christian life I have been trying to serve and love God. Not because I really love God, but because I want the best for me. So really, I’ve just been using God as a means to an end.

I think there are those parts of the Bible that when we read them we try to rationalize away. For some reason God was talking about a certain situation that doesn’t really apply to us as individuals. Or sometimes we might just skip over those parts that make us uncomfortable. I think one of the most uncomfortable things about the Bible is that God seems to want control over all of my life. I think I have been trying to barter with God for most of my life. “Ok God, I’ll go on a church plant, but only if I get married, have a really good job and can be a respected leader.” I’m at this fork in the road right now. Up to this point I have been trying to live the Christian life to better myself. But following Christ demands that I “lose my life”. So I find myself faced with two possible choices. Either my life is really all about me and I should just devote myself to raw carnality and chasing after all my desires. Or, my life is really God’s, all of it, and I should devote myself to God’s plans and desires and should consider my ambitions and desires “rubbish”. Clearly the first choice isn’t even really an option for me, and I really want the 2nd option to be a reality, but a lot of me wants to hold on to control of my life. So Im faced with Jesus call to forsake everything and follow Him. I think its funny that I convince myself that I understand Jesus’ teachings and that they are really aimed at spiritually immature people (as if Im mature), only to find out that Jesus words have everything to do with my life right now, even at this very minute.

If I’m honest with myself, at this point in life I don’t think I love God the most. I love my dreams more than God, I even love some sin more than God. But thankfully I also know that my ability to love God is not dependent on me. I also know that God is carrying me onto completion. I think that as a 23 year old male who tends to think that he is really important and worthy of attention, I just need to have the humility to let God carry me.